Today I woke up feeling positive. I had just finished Fearne Cotton’s book “Happy” and happy was just how I felt. I felt I had good friends, good family, my future looked bright… I was on board the success train heading straight to recovery.
I was supposed to meet my friends for a meal this evening;
one of them had just secured her dream job and we were going to celebrate. I had
bought her a card, signed it for everyone. All of my friends had cars and lived
in different directions to me, so I set off 45 minutes before they did as I was
getting the bus and wanted to make sure I got there on time.
I got the first out of two buses without a hitch, I got to
the second bus stop and there was a road closure. FUCK. This meant I missed one
bus as I had to walk to another bus stop which was on the main road which automatically
caused stress as my ex drives down this road all the time and I didn’t want him
to see me at all or even know I exist or even cross his mind because I don’t want
anyone to think about me. The thought of me being a thought in someone’s head
or the topic of conversation is too overwhelming for me. I then get to this bus
stop to find another bus doesn’t come for twenty minutes and by that point
everyone will have already met up and started talking about the fact I am late
and unreliable again because it’s always me who is late because I have to get
the bus. Twenty minutes go by and no bus. My sister rings me and I shout about
the fact I am cold, tired, stressed because I am not going to make it on time,
that I hate my life and I hate my friends successes. I tell her my friends all
judge me because I am a failure and I am always negative. My life is negative and
they won’t want me at the meal anyway. I tell my friends I can’t make it
because I would by an hour late. They suggest I get a taxi and they will give
me a lift home but I can’t afford a taxi? It’s easy for them because they
drive. I can’t afford a taxi and it would still take me half an hour to get
there and cost me so much which I can’t afford because I don’t have a job. I will
still be late and they will still be judging me all the while whether I am an
hour late or half an hour late so what is the point of paying money to get
there and be judged? I could picture
them all sitting there talking about my unreliability and my unhappy life and
it made me feel sick. I came home. Shouted at my mother who offered to give me
a lift and shut my room door and cried. Cried about the fact I feel like I am
losing my friends because I overreact and I’m negative to be around, cried
because I could sense something bad was going to happen tonight and it did, I cried
because my mother shouted because I raised my voice.
Emotions; a strong feeling (overwhelming, sadness, anger,
At least my day started off positive…
I appreciate it may be quite difficult to explain exactly
who I am when I’m trying to remain as anonymous as possible but I’m going to
give it a go just the same…
I’m 23. I have a pretty standard group of friends (although
just to confirm when I say standard, I mean standard size, this has no
reflection on the quality of them as friends as they’re actually pretty top
notch). I’m from a working class background (if we even use those terms anymore)?!
Family is pretty small; It’s just my mum and my sister, although its quality
over quantity right? And they’re both pretty amazing. As a child I was one of those children who
joined in everything; I played the flute in an orchestra on a Monday, I had
horse riding lessons on a Tuesday, had amateur dramatics group on a Wednesday
and a different drama class on a Thursday. All hale young me for having the
time and energy for all of these activities! I always tried hard at school and
that effort pulled off I guess as I managed to secure a place at a top
University to study Theatre! Since graduating I have worked and travelled in
many different countries and have an amazing, colourful Instagram account to
prove just how much fun I had. I’m now home from travelling and looking to
start my career in the Theatre and Performance industry.
So yes, I suppose on paper I should be incredibly happy! I
have been incredibly lucky with regard to the places I have visited and the
people I have met. If I saw me from another person’s perspective I wouldn’t
understand why right now I feel the way I do, but I guess that all comes down
to how we display ourselves to other people in person and on social media… You
can post a daily photo online these days with you, pictured against one of the
seven wonders of the world as a backdrop with a massive smile on your face… but
is that snapshot really a true representation of how you’re feeling?
I ‘think’ I have suffered from anxiety for a long time; I wouldn’t
be able to tell you exactly when as I didn’t speak to someone about it until University.
When I think back to my childhood I don’t think of the fun times I had riding
my bike, playing in orchestras or acting at amateur dramatic festivals… I think
of the time I was picking my options in year nine and crying. CRYING because I was
so worried about picking the wrong GCSE option; that if I didn’t pick the right
one it would legit be the end of the fucking world. When I think back to my
University days instead of remembering my grades I secured, my lifelong friends
I made, I remember crying at my door too afraid to open it and join the party
outside my room because I was petrified everyone judged me and hated me on the
other side of that door. When I think of my travelling days instead of thinking
about the once in a lifetime activities I took part in, the people I met from
around the world, I think of the time I had an anxiety attack in a club and
after being taken home, locked myself in the toilet and punished myself for
ruining everyone else’s fun. Whenever I reminisce
on happy memories they’re always overshadowed by a dark cloud as I remember the
darker details of what happened at that event.
Perception is a crazy thing. I think I genuinely look to
other people like I have it all figured out, and I suppose I try and keep
myself so busy that I play up to this fake persona as its easier to hide how
you’re really feeling. The few people I have told about how I’m truly struggling
have given me mixed responses. Let’s just say some are still there and some
have chosen not to be.
So just to clear up…I’m 23, and I am fed up with feeling
helpless, worthless, stressed and anxious every single day when I know deep
down I have a lot to be grateful for, and I’ll just have to tell you more
details about me another time.
I’ll throw this straight out there, I have never blogged in my life and had no intention of blogging up until 2 hours ago. I’m in bed and had a lightbulb moment and thought this would be a fantastic idea and here I am.
I suppose a logical step would be to explain why on earth I, a 23 year old woman is currently lying in bed at 2pm with no job, money or definitive life goals on this fine day. If only it was because I was the socialite of my dreams… soon be swooned with offers unimaginable to the common man. Sadly this is not the case. I have no plans on this Monday afternoon and my phone hasn’t rang once today. I suppose it is at this time you may be wondering why I’m choosing to do nothing to change these factors in my life and have instead created a free blog which I googled how to make an hour prior.
Well the reason being is that I’m currently being bullied. Now I’ve researched how to make bullies go away and it’s been suggested I should avoid the bully or if that’s not possible then purely ignore them. Both of these resolutions will not stand up against my bully because my bully is… myself. I’m my own worst enemy. How can you avoid or ignore the person who is making your life a misery if it’s the person staring back at you in the mirror?
I’m suffering from anxiety. My mental health has been an issue for quite some time, longer than I probably realised. It’s slowly taken over my life. Having tortured me since I was a teenager, I feel so knocked down that at this moment in time it’s a struggle to see myself getting back up. So I guess I’m starting this blog as a lifeline as I’m in incredibly dangerous waters right now. I wanted to find a place where I could vent my anger and frustration at myself and the people around me as a lot of the time I’m angry for reasons even I, let alone my friends don’t understand.
I told myself the same thing many people tell themselves on New Year’s Eve and that next year is going to be different. So this blog will also be my way of documenting my progress on tackling the demons inside my head. I know in order to be happy I need to pull at the issues that are so deeply rooted and I know it will take time. I just want there to be a day that goes by where my heart doesn’t feel like someone has their hand clutched tightly around it.
I’m starting this blog for me to make sure I follow through with my plan. If I dedicate myself to this I will have to move forward… and maybe this will reach people who are facing similar demons who feel lost. If that’s you, I hope we both find some closure one day.