I appreciate it may be quite difficult to explain exactly who I am when I’m trying to remain as anonymous as possible but I’m going to give it a go just the same…
I’m 23. I have a pretty standard group of friends (although just to confirm when I say standard, I mean standard size, this has no reflection on the quality of them as friends as they’re actually pretty top notch). I’m from a working class background (if we even use those terms anymore)?! Family is pretty small; It’s just my mum and my sister, although its quality over quantity right? And they’re both pretty amazing. As a child I was one of those children who joined in everything; I played the flute in an orchestra on a Monday, I had horse riding lessons on a Tuesday, had amateur dramatics group on a Wednesday and a different drama class on a Thursday. All hale young me for having the time and energy for all of these activities! I always tried hard at school and that effort pulled off I guess as I managed to secure a place at a top University to study Theatre! Since graduating I have worked and travelled in many different countries and have an amazing, colourful Instagram account to prove just how much fun I had. I’m now home from travelling and looking to start my career in the Theatre and Performance industry.
So yes, I suppose on paper I should be incredibly happy! I have been incredibly lucky with regard to the places I have visited and the people I have met. If I saw me from another person’s perspective I wouldn’t understand why right now I feel the way I do, but I guess that all comes down to how we display ourselves to other people in person and on social media… You can post a daily photo online these days with you, pictured against one of the seven wonders of the world as a backdrop with a massive smile on your face… but is that snapshot really a true representation of how you’re feeling?
I ‘think’ I have suffered from anxiety for a long time; I wouldn’t be able to tell you exactly when as I didn’t speak to someone about it until University. When I think back to my childhood I don’t think of the fun times I had riding my bike, playing in orchestras or acting at amateur dramatic festivals… I think of the time I was picking my options in year nine and crying. CRYING because I was so worried about picking the wrong GCSE option; that if I didn’t pick the right one it would legit be the end of the fucking world. When I think back to my University days instead of remembering my grades I secured, my lifelong friends I made, I remember crying at my door too afraid to open it and join the party outside my room because I was petrified everyone judged me and hated me on the other side of that door. When I think of my travelling days instead of thinking about the once in a lifetime activities I took part in, the people I met from around the world, I think of the time I had an anxiety attack in a club and after being taken home, locked myself in the toilet and punished myself for ruining everyone else’s fun. Whenever I reminisce on happy memories they’re always overshadowed by a dark cloud as I remember the darker details of what happened at that event.
Perception is a crazy thing. I think I genuinely look to other people like I have it all figured out, and I suppose I try and keep myself so busy that I play up to this fake persona as its easier to hide how you’re really feeling. The few people I have told about how I’m truly struggling have given me mixed responses. Let’s just say some are still there and some have chosen not to be.
So just to clear up…I’m 23, and I am fed up with feeling helpless, worthless, stressed and anxious every single day when I know deep down I have a lot to be grateful for, and I’ll just have to tell you more details about me another time.
Smile 