This weekend I met up with a girl I’ve known for ten years. We have been through every stage of growing up together; our first period, first boyfriend, first love, first drink, first night out. Literally… too many firsts. I’ve seen her grow into a confident young woman and an amazing teacher and for that I couldn’t be prouder of her.
I have another friend who I didn’t meet up with, I am equally proud of him. He has just started in a promising job role, he’s engaged and about to move into a new house with his boyfriend which is incredibly exciting and I’m happy he is happy.
Together, the three of us were a dream team growing up; squad goals. I couldn’t possible count on one hand the happy times we have had.
I told them both about my anxiety when it was affecting my friendships with them, and I couldn’t hide it anymore, which was around the time I started this blog three months ago. I told my friend who I didn’t see this weekend just how bad it was. I told him I was suicidal. I told both that I didn’t expect them to understand, but I just wanted them to be there if I needed to talk to someone to take my mind off feeling sad. They both replied saying that they would be, and that was that.
I told my friend who I didn’t see this weekend that I wanted a chat after a horrible counselling session and I asked if he could call me, he never did. I have asked him to call me a few times now and tried to arrange to see him and he hasn’t been free.
When I met up with my friend this weekend, she filled me in on way I may not have heard from him;
Apparently after I asked him to call me the first time, he complained to her that I talk about my counselling too much and she agreed. She said some people have bad days at work and that they get on with it whereas if I have a bad day, I need to talk to someone about it. She used the word negative and watched as I got upset and just smiled and told me not to cry.
Just to confirm, I never did tell him too much about my counselling. Nobody knows about what happens in those sessions but me and my counsellor. When I asked for support, I just wanted him to take my mind off my own thoughts. That’s all I asked and all I wanted.
Admitting you need help is bad enough but finding out the friends who you consider your closest don’t support you at your worst is incredibly upsetting. I left her feeling embarrassed, ashamed and alone.
I’ve distanced myself and I don’t think I will ever be able to tell them anything about my personal life again. Just a note, if your friend trusts you enough to share details about her mental health issues. Don’t take it for granted, don’t make them feel isolated, just talk to them because that’s all they want. Someone to take their mind off their own thoughts, someone to shine light on their dark. fff
Smile 