To the ‘friends’ I haven’t spoken to for a while.

This weekend I met up with a girl I’ve known for ten years. We have been through every stage of growing up together; our first period, first boyfriend, first love, first drink, first night out. Literally… too many firsts. I’ve seen her grow into a confident young woman and an amazing teacher and for that I couldn’t be prouder of her.

I have another friend who I didn’t meet up with, I am equally proud of him. He has just started in a promising job role, he’s engaged and about to move into a new house with his boyfriend which is incredibly exciting and I’m happy he is happy.

Together, the three of us were a dream team growing up; squad goals. I couldn’t possible count on one hand the happy times we have had.

I told them both about my anxiety when it was affecting my friendships with them, and I couldn’t hide it anymore, which was around the time I started this blog three months ago. I told my friend who I didn’t see this weekend just how bad it was. I told him I was suicidal. I told both that I didn’t expect them to understand, but I just wanted them to be there if I needed to talk to someone to take my mind off feeling sad. They both replied saying that they would be, and that was that.

I told my friend who I didn’t see this weekend that I wanted a chat after a horrible counselling session and I asked if he could call me, he never did. I have asked him to call me a few times now and tried to arrange to see him and he hasn’t been free.

When I met up with my friend this weekend, she filled me in on way I may not have heard from him;

Apparently after I asked him to call me the first time, he complained to her that I talk about my counselling too much and she agreed. She said some people have bad days at work and that they get on with it whereas if I have a bad day, I need to talk to someone about it. She used the word negative and watched as I got upset and just smiled and told me not to cry.

Just to confirm, I never did tell him too much about my counselling. Nobody knows about what happens in those sessions but me and my counsellor. When I asked for support, I just wanted him to take my mind off my own thoughts. That’s all I asked and all I wanted.

Admitting you need help is bad enough but finding out the friends who you consider your closest don’t support you at your worst is incredibly upsetting. I left her feeling embarrassed, ashamed and alone.

I’ve distanced myself and I don’t think I will ever be able to tell them anything about my personal life again. Just a note, if your friend trusts you enough to share details about her mental health issues. Don’t take it for granted, don’t make them feel isolated, just talk to them because that’s all they want. Someone to take their mind off their own thoughts, someone to shine light on their dark. fff

Starting a new job with anxiety

A lot of pressure is coming my way in the weeks to come. I have secured a job; my first, yearly salaried, full-time job which I tomorrow. As well as the added pressure of the new job, I have also moved back to the city I studied at for University. It’s so common to be nervous when you start a new job as it is a new environment, new staff, new responsibilities that I may not be used to, it’s equally nerve-racking to move out of home (again) when that has become the familiar… but this situation does feel particularly overwhelming.

Whenever I start a new job role, I always think back to my time working a winter season in Lapland. When I tell people I have worked in Finland for the winter working with Santa Claus (surrounded by snow, the Northern Lights, reindeers) they always look amazed, tell me they’re jealous and how much of an amazing time I must have had. The reality was a different story, and it was due to having the worst management team I have ever come across. Not only did I not get on with my manager, but my managers manager was even worse. As an ex-navy man he ruled over the holiday complex as if it were a navy ship, which was just one of the many problems. Not only was I working up to 70 hours a week and getting paid for 30, but me and the other staff were denied access to washing machines so we couldn’t clean our uniform, as a vegetarian I was once given a plate of fried onion to eat as a meal, and even though I was the line manager for a number of staff, was left feeling inferior on a daily basis. To name everything wrong with this company would take too long but just those examples can surely highlight how terrible the company was. Most people when they have a bad working day can go home and complain to their friends and family whereas my room was a one-minute walk in the same building as my office so there was no escape, as well as the added burden of being in another country from home. As you can imagine, I was incredibly anxious during my time there. After constantly being undermined by the management, shouted at in-front of other staff, blamed for things that weren’t my fault and never escaping because my office was so close to my room; I can’t stress how much this working environment ruined me.

Since this role I have had other jobs with different companies; both seasonal and long-term. I have had jobs where I have got on incredibly well with the management, I have had roles where I have been offered promotions, I’ve always been commended for my work ethic and I have never left a job after this role on bad terms. Sadly, the plant has been seeded and my anxiety now leads me to panic that history will repeat itself. Because I was treated like a failure in my Lapland role, I am worried this will be a reoccurrence in every job I accept. I worry that I won’t be good enough and wherever I work it will be a terrible, trapping working environment.

Certainly, there are other reasons why my anxiety is as bad as it is which is why I’m seeking help, but it has led me to question how you approach the first couple of weeks in a new job;

Do you tell a new employer you suffer from anxiety? If I did tell them, how would I even bring that up? Is there a right time to bring this up? What if I start working and just get completely overwhelmed at one point? Will they judge me from the start and think I am using it as an excuse? What if it affects first impressions? I really struggle to be open with people I don’t know well, and I know I don’t come across the best at first because of it.
Should I have told them about this at the interview stage? Have I missed my chance? If I told them at the interview stage would they have given me the job in the first place? Would they feel cheated if I brought it up now?
Should you wait and see what happens? If I mention my anxiety I will feel like I’m being judged whether that is the case or not, yet if I don’t mention it and something bad happens or I have an anxiety attack will I look weird? The first couple of months will obviously be challenging but will I take every knock back I get too personally?

I have decided not to mention it unless it comes up. In addition to this, I am trying to find other ways of dealing with my new-job anxiety;

I’m trying to remind myself that new is scary; realistically I am supposed to feel like this as it’s a new job, and the unknowing is a common fear when starting at a new work place and that everyone feels like this and therefore, I’m not behaving out of the ordinary.
I start my counselling properly next week; the fact that I am on my way to address my problems is somewhat keeping me going. Not only do I have my friends who I am living with to get me through, but I will also have the support of the counsellor to make me a stronger, more confident person in work and outside of work.
I’m becoming super organised; or trying to be should I say. I packed to leave home well in advance, I make to-do lists every day with even the smallest task (go to the gym, see friends for lunch, tidy room ect) added just so I have a clear plan every day and make sure I get everything I want to achieve completed. I need to get into the habit of making lists and sticking to them.
I have emailed my new employer; I’ve emailed my manager a couple of times regarding uniform, holidays and whether there was anything I needed to do before I start. I have also researched the company online to try and learn all I can about what they offer, what they do, even their annual turnover. Knowing a couple of details about the company will hopefully make me more confident on arrival and speaking to clients as I know that this is part of my job.
I have tried to put this in perspective; Like what is the worst that can happen? Even hell on Earth Lapland I managed to survive… Although even writing this sentence is sending me on edge a bit – easier said than done this one, but I am trying.
Researched online; I have looked at other people’s ways of dealing with the stress of starting a new job, looked at articles on making a good first impression and general ways to act when you start a new job.
Read more; I have found a new hobby which is reading books written by strong independent woman who just smash at life. I aspire to be like them and I always feel a little more confident after finishing one of these books.
Tried to accept the fact I am going to make mistakes; I know I will make mistakes for the first couple of months and probably after that too. I just hate failure. It is a new role, and it is a change, and I wouldn’t have accepted this job if it was something I didn’t think would challenge me as I do want to push myself. So I have to accept that it wont be perfect from day one.

Because I haven’t started my counselling and I don’t like burdening my friends about all of my worries when they have worries of their own, these are the ways I am coping with my current situation. I start tomorrow. Let’s be having you!

First step on the road to recovery!

For me, I knew what I needed to do first; I needed to talk to someone professionally about my problems. Having tried dealing with the issues myself for so many years, I have come to accept it’s just not getting better, and unless I address these issues with a qualified professional who can understand my thought process, I will never fully move forward as my negative thoughts will always hold me back and continue to affect every aspect of my life. Just saying out loud to another person that you need help is distressing enough but it’s a step that needs to be taken and I know that.

I did speak to a therapist in September 2018, who recommended I started a round of High level Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) sessions, a common model used to help those suffering from anxiety, and a form of therapy provided by the NHS who state the following as what CBT can be used for on their website:

“CBT is based on the concept that your thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and actions are interconnected, and that negative thoughts and feelings can trap you in a vicious cycle.

CBT aims to help you deal with overwhelming problems in a more positive way by breaking them down into smaller parts.

You’re shown how to change these negative patterns to improve the way you feel.

Unlike some other talking treatments, CBT deals with your current problems, rather than focusing on issues from your past.

It looks for practical ways to improve your state of mind on a daily basis.”

When this was suggested to me, I was relieved that there was a form of therapy that seemed so suited to my problems. I felt reassured that there was an approach that focuses on the negative patterns of my thoughts and challenges these thoughts to work out why I think the way I do, and in turn would eventually stop me thinking so negatively about every scenario I get myself into. Armed with this knowledge I was ready to stand up to my issues, and I was, in a strange way, excited to start the process.

The therapist at the time said she would put me on the waiting list for this form of therapy and warned me it could take a while… I thought I would ring and see if maybe they had forgotten to put me on the waiting list as it has been so long and I hadn’t heard anything from anyone since September; no check-up, phone call, email, text, nothing. If they had forgotten all about me then I was going to ask them to pop my name on the list as I was ready to deal with my anxiety in September, and I was beginning to run out of momentum.

It turns out I am still on that waiting list… seventeen weeks later.

I couldn’t quite believe it, but after researching whether this waiting list issue was just a problem in my local community, I discovered this was a considerably well-known issue around the UK, and has been a problem for many years, in 2013 “more than one in ten (12%) people with mental health problems are stuck on waiting lists for over a year before receiving talking treatments and over half (54%) wait over three months” and from personal experience, this issue doesn’t seem to have improved much over the last five years. Having waiting lists as long as these has such a negative impact on those waiting for mental health services; when you pluck up the courage to finally reach out for support, the fact you know you need help, and then having to wait so long for someone to hold out their hand and pick you back up is daunting and scary.

There is blame placed on many shoulders with regard to who is at fault for these long waiting lists. The Independent state “The NHS is “failing” children and young people with mental health conditions by rejecting them for not having “severe enough” symptoms and then leaving them to reach crisis point”. I love our health system and all the people who work for it, my mum being one of those people. The hours the staff work, the people they help, the lives they change, and their caring nature should be commended higher than what it is, but to be frank, there is a point to be made here. I was never rejected in the sense that a door was slammed in my face, but I do feel like I was rejected for treatment quickly because I wasn’t threatening to end my life; I told a therapist I was really struggling. I filled in all the forms and was completely honest about how low I felt, and although at the time I hadn’t reached crisis point, it was the destination and I was well on my way. By Christmas I didn’t recognise myself. I had lost all motivation to find a job, have a career, form close relationships with anyone around me or just generally make an effort to get out of bed in the morning. The only reason I am coping right now is because my mum has PROMISED ME that things will get better for me, and she doesn’t usually lie to me so I shall give her a chance on this one.

In my opinion, the main contributing factor is the lack of funding. Without resources to help everyone know needs support, there is literally no other option but to categorise who is most likely to cause harm to themselves or others around them, because there is just not enough resources to help everyone who needs it, and therefore help has to go to those who are at crisis point which I fully do appreciate and understand, and I am in no way saying that these people do not deserve the treatment they get. But there are people like me who can see crisis point in the distance and don’t want to reach it. Those who want to stop themselves feeling completely hopeless, and it is devastating that you have to reach rock bottom to be helped back up again when you try your best to avoid it. I know this is not just me who this is affecting. So many sufferers have I’m sure had similar feelings, and it just goes to show how stretched the mental health services are.

After talking to my mother about the issue, we have decided to turn to private healthcare. I emailed a couple of therapists, I got a phone call the following day, and an appointment for the following week, so finally the road to recovery can begin. Iـˬ��o��

So this just happened five minutes ago…

Today I woke up feeling positive. I had just finished Fearne Cotton’s book “Happy” and happy was just how I felt. I felt I had good friends, good family, my future looked bright… I was on board the success train heading straight to recovery.

I was supposed to meet my friends for a meal this evening; one of them had just secured her dream job and we were going to celebrate. I had bought her a card, signed it for everyone. All of my friends had cars and lived in different directions to me, so I set off 45 minutes before they did as I was getting the bus and wanted to make sure I got there on time.

I got the first out of two buses without a hitch, I got to the second bus stop and there was a road closure. FUCK. This meant I missed one bus as I had to walk to another bus stop which was on the main road which automatically caused stress as my ex drives down this road all the time and I didn’t want him to see me at all or even know I exist or even cross his mind because I don’t want anyone to think about me. The thought of me being a thought in someone’s head or the topic of conversation is too overwhelming for me. I then get to this bus stop to find another bus doesn’t come for twenty minutes and by that point everyone will have already met up and started talking about the fact I am late and unreliable again because it’s always me who is late because I have to get the bus. Twenty minutes go by and no bus. My sister rings me and I shout about the fact I am cold, tired, stressed because I am not going to make it on time, that I hate my life and I hate my friends successes. I tell her my friends all judge me because I am a failure and I am always negative. My life is negative and they won’t want me at the meal anyway. I tell my friends I can’t make it because I would by an hour late. They suggest I get a taxi and they will give me a lift home but I can’t afford a taxi? It’s easy for them because they drive. I can’t afford a taxi and it would still take me half an hour to get there and cost me so much which I can’t afford because I don’t have a job. I will still be late and they will still be judging me all the while whether I am an hour late or half an hour late so what is the point of paying money to get there and be judged? I could picture them all sitting there talking about my unreliability and my unhappy life and it made me feel sick. I came home. Shouted at my mother who offered to give me a lift and shut my room door and cried. Cried about the fact I feel like I am losing my friends because I overreact and I’m negative to be around, cried because I could sense something bad was going to happen tonight and it did, I cried because my mother shouted because I raised my voice.

Emotions; a strong feeling (overwhelming, sadness, anger, frustration).

At least my day started off positive…

A little bit about me x

I appreciate it may be quite difficult to explain exactly who I am when I’m trying to remain as anonymous as possible but I’m going to give it a go just the same…

I’m 23. I have a pretty standard group of friends (although just to confirm when I say standard, I mean standard size, this has no reflection on the quality of them as friends as they’re actually pretty top notch). I’m from a working class background (if we even use those terms anymore)?! Family is pretty small; It’s just my mum and my sister, although its quality over quantity right? And they’re both pretty amazing. As a child I was one of those children who joined in everything; I played the flute in an orchestra on a Monday, I had horse riding lessons on a Tuesday, had amateur dramatics group on a Wednesday and a different drama class on a Thursday. All hale young me for having the time and energy for all of these activities! I always tried hard at school and that effort pulled off I guess as I managed to secure a place at a top University to study Theatre! Since graduating I have worked and travelled in many different countries and have an amazing, colourful Instagram account to prove just how much fun I had. I’m now home from travelling and looking to start my career in the Theatre and Performance industry.

So yes, I suppose on paper I should be incredibly happy! I have been incredibly lucky with regard to the places I have visited and the people I have met. If I saw me from another person’s perspective I wouldn’t understand why right now I feel the way I do, but I guess that all comes down to how we display ourselves to other people in person and on social media… You can post a daily photo online these days with you, pictured against one of the seven wonders of the world as a backdrop with a massive smile on your face… but is that snapshot really a true representation of how you’re feeling?

I ‘think’ I have suffered from anxiety for a long time; I wouldn’t be able to tell you exactly when as I didn’t speak to someone about it until University. When I think back to my childhood I don’t think of the fun times I had riding my bike, playing in orchestras or acting at amateur dramatic festivals… I think of the time I was picking my options in year nine and crying. CRYING because I was so worried about picking the wrong GCSE option; that if I didn’t pick the right one it would legit be the end of the fucking world. When I think back to my University days instead of remembering my grades I secured, my lifelong friends I made, I remember crying at my door too afraid to open it and join the party outside my room because I was petrified everyone judged me and hated me on the other side of that door. When I think of my travelling days instead of thinking about the once in a lifetime activities I took part in, the people I met from around the world, I think of the time I had an anxiety attack in a club and after being taken home, locked myself in the toilet and punished myself for ruining everyone else’s fun. Whenever I reminisce on happy memories they’re always overshadowed by a dark cloud as I remember the darker details of what happened at that event.

Perception is a crazy thing. I think I genuinely look to other people like I have it all figured out, and I suppose I try and keep myself so busy that I play up to this fake persona as its easier to hide how you’re really feeling. The few people I have told about how I’m truly struggling have given me mixed responses. Let’s just say some are still there and some have chosen not to be.

So just to clear up…I’m 23, and I am fed up with feeling helpless, worthless, stressed and anxious every single day when I know deep down I have a lot to be grateful for, and I’ll just have to tell you more details about me another time.

Hello and welcome to my blog

I’ll throw this straight out there, I have never blogged in my life and had no intention of blogging up until 2 hours ago. I’m in bed and had a lightbulb moment and thought this would be a fantastic idea and here I am.

I suppose a logical step would be to explain why on earth I, a 23 year old woman is currently lying in bed at 2pm with no job, money or definitive life goals on this fine day. If only it was because I was the socialite of my dreams… soon be swooned with offers unimaginable to the common man. Sadly this is not the case. I have no plans on this Monday afternoon and my phone hasn’t rang once today. I suppose it is at this time you may be wondering why I’m choosing to do nothing to change these factors in my life and have instead created a free blog which I googled how to make an hour prior.

Well the reason being is that I’m currently being bullied. Now I’ve researched how to make bullies go away and it’s been suggested I should avoid the bully or if that’s not possible then purely ignore them. Both of these resolutions will not stand up against my bully because my bully is… myself. I’m my own worst enemy. How can you avoid or ignore the person who is making your life a misery if it’s the person staring back at you in the mirror?

I’m suffering from anxiety. My mental health has been an issue for quite some time, longer than I probably realised. It’s slowly taken over my life. Having tortured me since I was a teenager, I feel so knocked down that at this moment in time it’s a struggle to see myself getting back up. So I guess I’m starting this blog as a lifeline as I’m in incredibly dangerous waters right now. I wanted to find a place where I could vent my anger and frustration at myself and the people around me as a lot of the time I’m angry for reasons even I, let alone my friends don’t understand.

I told myself the same thing many people tell themselves on New Year’s Eve and that next year is going to be different. So this blog will also be my way of documenting my progress on tackling the demons inside my head. I know in order to be happy I need to pull at the issues that are so deeply rooted and I know it will take time. I just want there to be a day that goes by where my heart doesn’t feel like someone has their hand clutched tightly around it.

I’m starting this blog for me to make sure I follow through with my plan. If I dedicate myself to this I will have to move forward… and maybe this will reach people who are facing similar demons who feel lost. If that’s you, I hope we both find some closure one day.