Today I woke up feeling positive. I had just finished Fearne Cotton’s book “Happy” and happy was just how I felt. I felt I had good friends, good family, my future looked bright… I was on board the success train heading straight to recovery.
I was supposed to meet my friends for a meal this evening; one of them had just secured her dream job and we were going to celebrate. I had bought her a card, signed it for everyone. All of my friends had cars and lived in different directions to me, so I set off 45 minutes before they did as I was getting the bus and wanted to make sure I got there on time.
I got the first out of two buses without a hitch, I got to the second bus stop and there was a road closure. FUCK. This meant I missed one bus as I had to walk to another bus stop which was on the main road which automatically caused stress as my ex drives down this road all the time and I didn’t want him to see me at all or even know I exist or even cross his mind because I don’t want anyone to think about me. The thought of me being a thought in someone’s head or the topic of conversation is too overwhelming for me. I then get to this bus stop to find another bus doesn’t come for twenty minutes and by that point everyone will have already met up and started talking about the fact I am late and unreliable again because it’s always me who is late because I have to get the bus. Twenty minutes go by and no bus. My sister rings me and I shout about the fact I am cold, tired, stressed because I am not going to make it on time, that I hate my life and I hate my friends successes. I tell her my friends all judge me because I am a failure and I am always negative. My life is negative and they won’t want me at the meal anyway. I tell my friends I can’t make it because I would by an hour late. They suggest I get a taxi and they will give me a lift home but I can’t afford a taxi? It’s easy for them because they drive. I can’t afford a taxi and it would still take me half an hour to get there and cost me so much which I can’t afford because I don’t have a job. I will still be late and they will still be judging me all the while whether I am an hour late or half an hour late so what is the point of paying money to get there and be judged? I could picture them all sitting there talking about my unreliability and my unhappy life and it made me feel sick. I came home. Shouted at my mother who offered to give me a lift and shut my room door and cried. Cried about the fact I feel like I am losing my friends because I overreact and I’m negative to be around, cried because I could sense something bad was going to happen tonight and it did, I cried because my mother shouted because I raised my voice.
Emotions; a strong feeling (overwhelming, sadness, anger, frustration).
At least my day started off positive…
Smile 